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WWE
SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT
REPORT
November 21, 2004: Big Daddy Knows
Best
by
Justin
Shapiro
Jericho and
Batista?
What is this, a pay-per-view?
The Big
News: Heat GM Steven Richards has
apparently decided to switch to a 75% squash match
format.
Nelson Frazier may be
Vince McMahon's fat, illegitimate
son.
Match
Results:
Batista beat Val Venis; Viscera of all people beat
Steven Lee; Tyson Tomko beat Hurricane; Raw GM Chris
Jericho beat Heat GM Steven
Richards
BATISTA vs. VAL
VENIS
Is this Val's first
appearance on TV since Kane destroyed him in the
UK?
Apparently he had brain surgery in the interim,
since he's shaved his head nearly bald. Val goes right
at him with leg kicks, but charges into a spinebuster,
2. Vertical
suplex, 2.
Batista throws him through the ropes; he gets
hung up but Batista pulls him to the floor, rams him
into the barricade, and executes an Undertaker-style
apron assault.
Back in, scoop slam gets 2. Todd plays the
"I get to foreshadow since we might have actually
planned something five weeks in advance" card by
wondering how long Batista is willing to stay in Triple
H's shadow.
Val fights back, Batista puts his head down and
gets kicked.
Val's clothesline knocks Batista backwards into
the ropes, Batista bounces right back and kills him with
a clothesline of his own. Sitdown
powerbomb.
123.
Things to note about Coach: 1) he's upset about
his match with Randy Orton on Monday, 2) his new term of
endearment is "baby boy."
Monster Job of the
Week: Trish gets a monster's NOSE job at the Survivor
Series -- heh heh!
Pretty good joke there, I think, and wait a
second, who the hell's music is that? Oh my
god.
 YEAH, IT'S
FUCKEN VISCERA (w/ cape of fatness) vs. STEVEN
LEE
Gail Kim,
Nidia, Jazz, and Rico: out! Michelle, Joy,
Amy, and Big Vis: in! Improvements
across the board.
Viscera does his fat ass slow crappy offense and
be's all fat.
With Lee facedown on the mat, Vis mounts him and
crossfaces his ... face. Of course, with
Lardass McRolls involved, it looks more like a
disturbing scene from Oz than it does an MMA pounding
& grounding.
Man, it's tired in here. Albertbomb,
which according to Todd is "the Embalmer from
Viscera!"
123.
So not only is Viscera apparently in, but Todd
Grisham learned the name of his finisher? What the
hell.
Viscera chokes Lee after the match because he's
deranged and violent and overweight. My apologies for
being so rude to the V-Man, but I was startled to see
him, and come on, the man is fat and bad at
wrestling.
Notes from present
day: Four years later, Viscera still has a job and I am
no longer recapping Heat. So. Clear winner and
loser.
ECW Moment: Rob Van Dam
wins the TV Title from Bam Bam Bigelow. Not only are
these flashbacks great for showing how ridiculously over
certain guys who couldn't get past WWE midcard were, but
they showcase all these crazy and violent highspots like
flip dives into the crowd and flaming table bumps that
you won't ever see anything close to on WWE TV. Even if you
don't like that style of wrestling, the clips really
accentuate how painfully blasé the current product is
and will just make people wonder why Raw doesn't have
any ranas on cement.
For the benefit of
those with flash photography, let us take you back to
Edge & Christian vs. Chris Benoit and Shelton
Benjamin.
E&C teaming up again was something I've been
waiting a long, long, long, long, long time for, so
while I was happy that they didn't just blow off the
backstory, I was pretty sad with how it all went
down.
Especially since I had dreams of Edge and
Christian as a united front of heels against Shawn
Michaels, but I guess that would've been too awesome or
something.
WWE
Rewind: Lingerie pillow fight. So hasn't Amy
Weber ended up in a better spot than Christy? That doesn't
seem fair, $250,000 notwithstanding. Perhaps the diva
contest was not as immaculately planned as we'd
originally thought.
TYSON TOMKO
DOESN'T SEEM SO BAD ANYMORE vs. HURRICANE (w/o
Rosey)
Sign: Hurricane is a
Hottie.
Imaginary Sign: Tyson Tomko Solved A Problem I
Had. This
is Tomko's first match since recent knee surgery, we are
told.
Hurricane ducks a clothesline, Wazupwitaunt
tricks Tomko into charging into a back elbow. Hurricane with
corner punches, Tomko picks him up, walks him out, and
heaves him into the corner. Military press
dropped into a fallaway slam, Hurricane rolls to the
floor.
Tomko rams him into the apron then rolls him back
in.
Backdrop, neck vice applied. Hurricane fights
up, ducks a clothesline, hits a crossbody, but gets cut
off with a clothesline. Back to the neck
vice.
Hurricane up in the corner, Tomko charges into
his feet.
Tornado DDT, 1 2 no. To the top,
flying bodypress, 1 2 no. Hurricane walks
into the Big Problem Solving Boot, 1 2 no! Scoop, Hurricane
drops behind him and thumbs his eye, but Tomko shortarm
reverses a whip into an Olympic Slam into a neckbreaker,
which is called the Olympic Slam Into A
Neckbreaker.
Come on, even Viscera got his move named. 123. Squashes for
everyone.
Let us take you back to
Maven Night Raw.
It was mavenous. Gene Snitsky is
no Gene Parmesan.
Tomorrow: Who Will Be
GM? I'm
thinking Special Twin General Managers Chandra and
Julia.
WM Recall: Shawn
Michaels rappels to the ring at Wrestlemania 12. Good to see
they've worked hard to update these.
Muhammad,
Khosrow, and Akbar threaten to revolt against our very
own country.
If American hero Chris Benoit doesn't stand up
for the red, white, and blue and make these men tap out
to the devastating Crippler Crossface, then the
terrorists have truly won.
Notes from present
day: Yeah, a lot of weird stuff going on in this
paragraph.
CHRIS JERICHO
vs. HEAT GM STEVEN RICHARDS
Battle of the GMs? Coach startles
everyone by remembering their original match from
September 5.
Jericho with a headlock takeover, Richards into a
headscissors, Jericho kicks out. Jericho performs
the King of the World dance, which Stevie mocks. Jericho chops
him in retaliation, whips him into the corner and hits a
clothesline.
Richards rolls out to the floor, gets back on the
apron, but retreats out of Jericho's reach. Back in, Stevie
suggests a test of strength, but Jericho irritates him
by putting up the opposite arm, then taking a cheapshot
kick. Off
the ropes, Stevie with a sunset flip, Jericho rolls
through into the Walls but Stevie scrambles for the
ropes.
Richards rolls onto the apron, Jericho blocks his
punch, thumbs his eye, but airballs on a springboard
dropkick and splatters onto the floor when Stevie
ducks.
Richards takes over,
rolls him back in, and hits a neckbreaker for 2. Back suplex for
2.
Katahastevie applied. Jericho gets up
but gets yanked back down. I'll Show You
You'll See Suplex attempted, but Jericho lands on his
feet and somebody hits a neckbreaker, apparently Stevie
since he covers for 2. Stevie chokes
Jericho across the middle rope, then gets a brilliant
idea -- locomotion dance, FOLLOWED BY DUDE LOVE
CRAZYLEGS, off the ropes but Jericho stands up, turns
around, and clotheslines him. Jericho with a
fivearm and shoulderblock. The taunt of
"assclown" lures Stevie into getting spiked across the
middle rope -- sexy beast dance and sitdown splash
result.
Bulldog!
Lionsault!
Hits the knees! Stevie with a
Sky Hi Powerbomb, 1 2 no! Now signalling
for the Steviekick -- coming up -- caught in a double
leg takedown into the Walls of Jericho! Richards
taps!
Delightful match and fine consolation for a
Viscera squash.
jmshapyro@yahoo.com
My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF
Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like
this. I earned a Master's Degree
in DESTRUCITY and PRESS-SLAMMING
from WARRIOR University, which I have parlayed into
a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat
co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at
WrestlingObserver.com. I
collect My Little Ponies. My favorite food is
banana
pudding.
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